The Au Pair's Survival Guide

 

I started this blog as a guide for our au pairs, but I have several times been asked for details by friends interested in hosting an au pair. Hopefully this post will answer the main points. Feel free to post additional questions in the comments and I will try to answer if I can. As we are in Denmark, there will be a distinct Danish slant to this page, but many of the more general points are generally applicable.

 

Should I employ an au pair? 

Well only you know the answer to this question but I can unreservedly say that an au pair has become almost essential to us. Just that extra pair of hands when juggling work and children makes all the difference to mere survival and actually enjoying life.

We have found that the au pairs we have employed have enriched our lives too – our kids now regularly ask for “A’s soup”, a hungarian speciality that our first au pair taught us. Her piano playing has also been something of a role model, inspisring our eldest child to take it up. Our second au pair made toys and clothes that have become firm favourites of the girls and we still skype with all our past au pairs and meet up for tea and cakes when possible. They have matured into enduring friendships. On the other hand you will have to get used to having a “stranger” in your house. Depending on your domestic set-up this may or may not be difficult.

Many of these difficulties can be tackled from the start or by having a conversation between adults. For example, we have arranged that our au pairs should shower in the middle of the day (or evenings) when the family is out the way, similarly with laundry, she chooses a time when we have already dealt with the family’s (heavy) load.

On the other hand, we try to arrange our week in advance so the au pair knows when she has a free evening to go out and socialise (which is in general to be encouraged as homesickness can occasionally be a problem) and then we can arrange to have time together without the children on another evening.

 

What are the basics of employing an au pair in Denmark?

A few basic requirements are that au pairs should work a minimum of 3 hours and a maximum of five hours a day. They must have one full day and one half day free and they are required to have time off to take language classes.

The current  (2018) statutory minimum pay is DKK 4250 per month, (this is likely to rise again each year, see here for the most up to date number) plus all food and accommodation, though you may choose to pay more than this if you like. They are supposed to take care of light household cleaning duties only and are not supposed to be full time carers for your children. I have written much more on the expected duties here.

How do I find an au pair?

There are a number of different ways you can find an au pair, traditional agencies still exist, occasionally friends and family may know someone who is looking for a position or you can try to find one yourself via one of the helfpul websites. We have successfully used both Greataupair.com and aupairworld.com. There are probably others and you may find one or other interface or specialism suits you better. It’s actually rather fun doing it this way, a bit like internet dating! Once you have found a candidate who seems like a good match, arrange a skype interview and set aside a good chunk of time for this. These can easily last an hour or so. Have a list of questions relevant to your household handy and go through them making notes. This is especially important if you have several candidates who look good on paper – you need to be able to remember who is who! I will post our interview questions at a later date.

Denmark has rather strict rules on who can apply to be an au pair and especially if you are employing a non-EU/EEA citizen, it is very important to follow these. The paperwork for a non-EU/EEA au pair is more complex and the fees are considerably steeper than for EU/EEA citizens so this is worth considering when deciding what kind of person would best fit your profile. You may also want to take into account culture and language factors, for example we are currently looking for an au pair with a specific language to support the third language we speak in this household. Again, bear in mind that au pairs need to be able to speak Danish, English or German in Denmark to get a visa.

 

I have found an au pair! What next?

Let’s assume you have found the perfect candidate and arranged a start date. You will need a contract and to arrange visas etc. The ever efficient Danish government really helps here with a very good information website specifically aimed at au pairs and their host families. Note that some of the information is only relevant for non-EU/EEA au pairs who have a rather more complex visa system to fill out. However, this complex procedure also includes a standard au pair contract which you will need to complete and fill out for the next step. The website is very easy to follow, available in English and Danish and regularly updated.

On this website you can find a link to the correct forms you need to fill out using your nemID for the contract. Once you have filled this in and it has been accepted, you can print it off and your au pair should sign the contract . Once they have arrived in Denmark, the au pair will need to register for a residence permit – this is taken care of via the visa process above for non-EU/EEA/Nordic citizens but EU/EEA citizens will need to go in person to the statsforvaltning with the contract and form OD1 completed, together with a passport photograph and their passport to register for a residence permit. I have had a good experience with this process and it has been pretty easy every time though if you choose a popular time you may need to wait a while so it’s not really the big deal that it sounds.

Once the forms have been processed (typically about a week), your au pair will receive her residence permit and can then apply for a CPR number from your local kommune, again they will need to go in person to apply. It can take anything from a few days to a couple of weeks but is typically also painless to eventually get the CPR card

The crucial first few days – how do we settle our au pair in efficiently? 

Again this will depend to an extent on you and your au pair. I always meet the au pair at the airport/bus terminal/train station so they are not navigating a strange city by themselves (often with surprisingly large and heavy luggage!). I usually take the first day off with them so we can show them around the house and the local neighbourhood and take care of all the paperwork. I usually give them half their first months pay straight away in cash so they have something to work with already and depending on what the room is like that they will be living in I may give a small budget so they can get some extras (lamps, posters, rugs, bed linen etc) to make it feel like it is their own. Some fresh flowers are a nice touch and we usually go to the supermarket together in the first few days so they can ask about what stuff is and make sure they can find the things they need. We usually take a cycle tour of the city in one of the first few days too, so they can get an idea of what is where, what the options are for their free time etc.

It’s a good idea to have a very clear conversation at the start (ideally when there are no children interrupting you!) on what your expectations are, what kind of duties you expect them to carry out and how you expect them to behave. Setting up some house rules in advance can save a lot of awkward conversations later. In particular be clear how they should behave with your children and how you view discipline and the rules the children need to follow (eg the children need to help clean up for example, or no more than half an hour television each day etc etc).

Finally, homesickness and isolation can be a problem for au pairs, especially young ones on their first trip away from home. Encourage your au pair to connect with the official Danish au pair network, there are also several groups on facebook that have informal meet-ups. Our au pairs have made enduring friendships with other au pairs they met via both these routes. Another possibility are the danish classes offered by your local Kommune. These are cheap/free for EU/EEA citizens who move to Denmark in the first three years, for non-EU/EEA citizens host families are expected to contribute a small amount towards the cost. These classes can also be a good way for au pairs to make friends.

 

What if we don’t get on with our au pair?

It’s a really good idea to have a “probationary period” of say a month so you can get to know each other but if you decide within that time that it’s not a good match then an adult conversation about it and mutual decision to terminate the contract is a good idea. In this case you will need to write a letter and give 4 weeks notice, though this can be paid “garden leave”. Helpfully the Danish website referred to above has a standard letter for this eventuality too.

So that’s about it. Good luck in your search, if I have missed anything feel free to let me know and I will try to answer any queries or suggestions. Having an au pair should enrich your family life, it sometimes causes other stresses or problems but we as a family have found that the positives massively outweigh the occasional negatives. Most importantly, having an au pair has been good for our relationship, and it has been good for our children.